Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Do not steal food from the science building!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses