Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
best first i’ve ever seen
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess