Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that