Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
