Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.