The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*