Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

respect

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

Your honor these allegations are

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.