Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*