Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision