Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeet

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
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We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?