Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

😂🖐️

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes