Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Support your local cemetery
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Tuesday
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces