[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
friend: we’re worried ur on drugs
salvador dali: why i’m not at all
friend: ur paintings dont make sense
dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense
dali: can i borrow ten dollars
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Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**
If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant]
Cop: You’re under arrest.
Me: What’s the charge?
Cop: a salt and buttery.
If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’