friend: we’re worried ur on drugs

salvador dali: why i’m not at all

friend: ur paintings dont make sense

dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense

friend: what

dali: can i borrow ten dollars

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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked


Her: Can I see your phone?

Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**


If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,


[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant]

Cop: You’re under arrest.

Me: What’s the charge?

[Lowers sunglasses]

Cop: a salt and buttery.


If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.


When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.


this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what


*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker


like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’