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Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
congratulations to them
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.