Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

sigh

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.