Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.