Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
About to form my very first opinion
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO