Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it