Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

🐕🍷

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races