Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Zack Greinke stories are the best

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Very good! 👍😂

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re