Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

I laughed at this way too hard.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

When you’ve simply given up.