Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad