Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

That’s enough internet for the day

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

me after i passed that state trooper