Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on