Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Don’t we all.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using