Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
You Might Also Like
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Bruh
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
why I oughta
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”