Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

😏😏😏

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

when a toddler tells a story

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.