Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Why is everyone getting married at me

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

my mind

You just read my mind

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?