friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
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How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Holy moly
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too