friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’