friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
You Might Also Like
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Lmfao
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!