Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there