Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery