FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
that would 100% work on me
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”