FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!