Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

I’m listening

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Old old old old old west

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.