Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.