Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
when someone rings the doorbell
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?