Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Gods work.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
This is what makes twitter great
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.