Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.