Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Sure. Why not?

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

🤣

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

That earthquake could have been an email.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.