friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
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As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
This is my favorite one of these!
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird