Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*