Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*