@50FirstTates

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

You Might Also Like

@AnnietheNanny1

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

@FattMernandez

You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!

@greggjgc79

Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth

@Ooft_Headshot

Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

@RowdyBowden

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.