FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.


You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!


Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth


Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.


[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]


In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.