FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.