I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….
You have lettuce in your teeth
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Meanwhile in Ireland.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.