Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.