Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.