Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
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My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark