Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

SONOFA