Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Good for him.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.