Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
You Might Also Like
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH