Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*limbos away from your hug*
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot