Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Succinctly put.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.