Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
You Might Also Like
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Wait a second…
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet