Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.