friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m aging like a fine banana