friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.