Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die