Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“What?”
– Jude
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.