Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Good news

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.