Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Always
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I created you as mosquito food.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: