Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

🤣

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”