Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour