Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

It’s that simple 👊🏻

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.