Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder