Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.