FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
How to draw a duck
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet