FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you