Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

That’s a good costume, I hope.

I wanna be friends with this person

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.