Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

You learn something every day

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”