Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

This why you should mind your business

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.